The Water Park/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: And now here's a living legend, a giant who even makes paul bunyan look small... In overseas television sales anyway, you know? Here he is, the star of our show -- mr. Red green. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Thank you. Thank you very much. Interesting intro there, harold. Never been compared to paul bunyan before. I guess that makes you his pet ox, blue. Well, can his pet ox, blue, do this? [ keyboard clacking ] [ chuckles ] yeah, if he eats enough bran. Well, yesterday, we all got bored again, so we figured possum lodge could use a few improvements. Kicked around the idea of making a water-purification system or maybe a compost or some kind of a recycling unit, and that struck us as a bit of a yawn. So we decided to make a submarine pen. A submarine pen? What do we need a submarine pen for? We don't even have a submarine. Well, we may have some day. And most of our boats are almost submarines. Yeah, that's right. That's true, yeah. Old man sedgwick made a submarine quite a few years ago, back when he was known as "middle-aged man sedgwick." but, uh...Had an engineering flaw in it. He put a screen door on her, and she sank. But he ended up donating it to the lodge. Oh, is that why the septic tank has a conning tower and a periscope? Yeah, yeah. So, the first step in building our submarine pen was to get stinky to fire up his cement truck and drop off a load of concrete. And we were all right in the middle of pouring it, you know, and then, well, we took a break to go into the lodge and watch "gilligan's island." and, uh, you know how men kind of glaze over when they're watching television, you know? Next thing you know, it's 9:00 this morning and the cement's hard and solid as a rock. So now what we've got is a concrete truck and 60 feet of pouring trough cemented to the shoreline. But junior singleton says he can get the whole mess out of there with about four feet of string. How does that work? That's a fuse for the dynamite, harold. Well, I'll be spending the rest of the day in my room. [ chuckles ] golly, we should do this more often. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ my great granddaddy was the best of them all ♪ ♪ tough as a tree stump and damn near as tall ♪ ♪ drank and he smoked from the day he was born ♪ ♪ caroused and had below-average hygiene ♪ ♪ plus he ate a lot of junk food ♪ ♪ but he was never sick a day in his life ♪ ♪ and he lived to be almost 27 ♪ this week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you a few simple projects that will make our highways safer, at least for you. You know, uh, most men are defensive drivers. Just ask them about their driving and see how defensive they get. But the kind of driver that really steams my clams, uh, is the tailgater. You know the guy -- he's usually got a little car, usually a red one, and it's about the size of a shoe box and smells around the same. And he's always, oh, 18 years old. Sometimes they're 18 1/2. But you very rarely seen anybody over 25 tailgating because, uh, they tend to have real short careers. And you know you can't reason with the tailgaters 'cause they can't hear you over that hole in their muffler. Or else they got that stereo thumping, pumping with the superturbo bass on there. And the little, thin sheet metal on the japanese cars are just bumping and bumping and grinding like that and make you sick to your stomach. There is one thing the tailgaters do understand -- fear. Here's an idea one of our viewers sent in. Take a lunch pail... Or, uh, a thermos... Or even a briefcase... Or all three if you're absolutely made of money. And you screw them right to the roof of your car... With these drywall screws. [ drill whirring ] all right, that's -- those are really on there. They're not going anywhere. Of course, now, uh, your tailgater doesn't know that. He figures you just put these up here while you, you know, reached around in your pockets for your car keys. And then once you found them, you just got in, then you drove away, and you forgot about them. So, I'll tell ya, you're not gonna get a tailgater if you're doing 60 mile an hour down the highway. These people tend to stay back, you know? But I'll show ya -- I'll show ya another trick that -- that works real well. Uh, first step is you got to remove your back bumper. Now, that may take a little longer for those fussbudgets out there who had the thing rustproofed. All right, now, what you're gonna need to finish this project is a ball of twine of some kind and a couple of old pens and a roll of the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. All right, now I've reattached the bumper with these little pieces of string, which are actually stronger than the old rust balls that were holding it on in the first place. Now, these are all slipknots. That's important. You'll see why in a minute. Now, to keep the strings all separate, we run them up here through these old ballpoint pens. You can get ballpoint pens real cheap, especially if you wait till the guy who's going and checking your oil at the gas station. You just take them. They don't mind. And then, uh, take them all up here and, uh, tie them in a knot, and get down, hook them right into your dashboard. Okay, so, now you're driving along. Uh, you're doing maybe 40, 50 miles below the speed limit. And before you know it, some goofball's coming right up to your back bumper. I mean, just 'cause you're in the passing lane, I guess. And you're getting a little ticked. But you just wait. Just wait. I'm watching the rearview mirror. And when he gets up real close and you can see the whites of his eyes...Just pull. And the bumper falls right off there. Usually, it gets into kind of an end-over-end thing and, uh, will get under his car and puncture all of his tires and probably rip off his oil tank there and get right through the gasoline and that's gonna -- and then you'll really see the whites of his eyes. But, you know, if you want to try a little more subtle tactic, there's another thing you can use. You're gonna need a can of spray paint, uh, and a -- yeah? Very good. And you'll need some of the handyman's secret weapon. Put your glasses on, harold. Uh, duct tape. And we'll show you how that -- and you'll also need an old piano. Don't bother. Uh, this is gonna take a little while, so why don't I just rig this up? You go back to the show. And when I get her all done, I will have you back, and I'll show you something really neat. Oh, for god's sake. And now it's that part of the show where we expose those three little words that men find so difficult to say -- "I don't know." [ laughs ] and here to prove that point once again on "the expert" portion of the show is my uncle red and his good friend mr. Bob stuyvesant. Wa-a-a! All righty. "dear, experts..." wa-a-a. "...At work -- at work, recently "I punched out a colleague over the last cup of coffee. "when my boss suggested I get my blood pressure checked, "I headbutted him. "then the court appointed a psychiatrist to examine me, "and he told the judge I was overstressed and frustrated. "this ticked me off so much that I punched his lights out, too. "now I realize that I really do have to relax and unwind, especially since I want to make early parole." well, you know, I've always found it difficult to relax myself. I've always been kind of a high-strung, "go! Go! Go!" kind of a guy. You know, if you really want to relax and unwind, I find that humor oftentimes works. And that was an example, say. They say laughter is the best medicine. Mm-hmm. Knock, knock. Who's there? Hillary clinton. Golf! That's relaxing. When I want to unwind, you know, I think that a good game of golf helps me relieve all my tension and my frustration. You finally played a good game of golf, bob? [ both laugh ] remember that time you, like, whiffed nine strokes in a row on that same ball? [ laughs ] you attacked your golf cart with the driver. Wa-a-a! Now, harold, you know, I mean, there's a perfect example of how you have to let out your tension. I think that, you know, hitting my driver on the golf cart was very cathartic. It got out a lot of pent-up emotion. You know, it just made me feel a little better. That's all. I mean, really, I mean -- I mean, what did it cost me? A golf cart and my favorite driver. He never drove for you again, did he? No, he, uh -- he stopped caddying altogether, actually. You know what I think is your problem, bob? You're standing too close to your ball after you hit it. [ both laugh ] pardon me! But I think I'm gonna go outside and hit a bucket of balls to kingdom come! And nobody better stop me! [ laughs ] whoo! [ giggles ] whoo! Well, usually, humor, you know, releases tension. Absolutely. See what happens when you don't have a sense of humor? Knock, knock. Great idea. Okay, I got her all rigged up here. And once again, let's imagine that I'm cruising down the highway just minding my own business, kind of drifting from lane to lane, you know, with my mood swings and so on. And suddenly, all of a sudden, I got myself a tailgater. Well, what I've got here is, up on the dashboard -- I've got these piano keys connected to the, uh -- to some old emergency-brake cables. Who used them in the spring? And they go down to the back and hook into the piano hammers. But they're not playing strings anymore, they's planning cans of spray paint, okay? So now I say, "pick a color." well, white key -- white paint. [ note plays ] or I could actually play a whole symphony of colors. [ notes playing ] if I could do, say, four bars of "the flight of the bumblebee," I can change his red sports car into one of them psychedelic vans from woodstock. But, I'll tell ya, the real pièce de résistance here -- I undo my rope in here 'cause I have some tailgater graffiti. [ drumroll ] huh? I drop my handy-dandy stencil in there, and now the spray paint's going right through there and leaving a real colorful message on the front of his car. We know he can't drive, but, uh, he can probably read. And so can everybody else. Okay, okay, I know you can't really do all this stuff that I'm talking about because it's -- well, it's dangerous and it's illegal and it's probably gonna, you know, result in a loss of life. And you know what wives are like. But, uh, you know, if you did want to try, say, the bumper thing, you know, just be real careful the tailgater doesn't have the flashing lights on the tops. 'cause those guys have no sense of humor. They pull you right over, take your license right on the stop. That's $125 fine. You only get 14 days to pay. Or, I mean, I-I would imagine it'd be something in that -- in that area, kind of. Anyway, until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I got to go borrow some money. You know, my grandmother on my mother's side once said to me that every problem is an opportunity. Like when my grandfather was having a problem in the bedroom, she took the opportunity to run off with the postman. So I say our cement-truck-and-trough mess is not a problem. It's an opportunity, an opportunity to build a waterslide. Oh, boy. And that'll be just the beginning of the possum lodge water theme park. Wa-a-a! Whoa! [ laughs ] excuse me, uncle red, but I don't think you can have a theme park with just like one attraction there. Well, we know that, harold. We're gonna do all kinds of things. We're painting the snowmobiles in bright summer colors so they'll float. And, uh, old man sedgwick is building a plywood beach. And, you know, every water theme park has to have a mascot. Wait till you see willy whale. Willy whale? Yep. Moose thompson's gonna be willy whale. Saves us buying a costume. And once the people arrive, moose is gonna waddle out into possum bay, start doing deep knee bends, and we got an instant wave pool. It's gonna be big, harold. The people are gonna be just rushing in to willy whale's water wonderland. Wa-a-a! Absolutely! Doctors, policemen, firemen, ambulance crews! As long as they pay to get in, harold. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ the Sunday-school picnic's a gala affair ♪ ♪ everyone treats it with pride ♪ ♪ with bright, shiny faces and three-legged races ♪ ♪ and nowhere the devil can hide ♪ ♪ we got ants in the coleslaw, bugs in the meatloaf ♪ ♪ and a big crunch when two kids collide ♪ crunch! Yep, yep. ♪ with games that injury us and food that bacteria us ♪ ♪ it's a good thing the lord's on their side ♪ red: Well, I got a kind of interesting "adventures with bill" for you this week. This is the time of the year where everybody kind of gets their boat ready to put away for the winter, and bill's no exception. He's scraping his boat there, and we got to climb -- whoa! And when you got a sailboat, they're kind of high because of the keel and so on, so you got to climb up on top of them to -- and bill had -- well, I'm just gonna step -- "okay, just step on my foot there." oh. Hmm? Bill, I guess, had stepped into something that was -- yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, anyway, okay, now we got the other shoe. Yeah, the other one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he didn't step in it in both feet. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohh! Boy. Well, so, we're gonna have a little extra maintenance to do on the boat this year by the look of her, but, uh -- so, we got to get up, and you got to get in. You got to get into the cockpit and get all the water out of the bilge. And you got to get into the cabin there and the fore and aft and the gunnels and the forestays and the backstays. And so bill's gonna use the rope. He'll throw a rope over to me, and then I'll pull him up. But he just -- swinging a rope is not all that, uh -- not all that easy. [ grunting ] it wasn't going real well, but bill didn't seem to notice. But, uh, now the thing is, what do you do? Do you go and take over, or do you just -- I've heard in management training, the thing is, you let a guy learn by his mistakes. And we let -- and when it comes to mistakes... Bill is pretty well the expert there. You forgot to hang onto the end there, bill. So I guess we got to sort of -- sometimes, you got to take charge and say, "now here's how you do it." you go stand over there. I'll hold the end. See how it works? Now I throw it -- now grab it, bill. Grab it. Grab it. Bill. Now what he wants to do is -- bill, you got to tie that to something solid so that when you pull against it -- yeah, the old possum van is... Ohh. ...Pretty solid, I guess. Now I'll take up the slack here, and then you can pull down on that and just -- meanwhile, what I didn't -- oh. Use the slack -- yeah. What I didn't realize is that there was a film festival going on, of all cartoons, down at the possum theater. And harold wanted to go, so he'd hidden in the van, and he drove off. And what I didn't realize is, uh, I guess bill had decided to go with him. Now, uh, you boys have a good time at the show! I'll see you later. And now here's harold with something for all you teenagers. My advice is -- might as well go for a soda. [ chuckles ] welcome to the teen show to talk to teens about teen...Stuff. And, well, today's topic is... [ keyboard clacking ] ooh! Wa-a-a! Okay, well, the oldest sex myth around here is my uncle red. [ laughs ] tagged him. [ laughs ] okay, well... Hi. Hi. Did you just hear what I said? No. Why? What did you just say? Oh, oh, nothing. Oh, you know, nothing. Wa-a-a! Actually, the oldest sex myth is that the male sex is the dominant one of the human species. Harold. Yes? Did you just say that I was the oldest sex myth? [ laughs ] a little, yeah. Anyway, um, you know, it's not true that the male has to be the dominant one in any relationship. No, no, no, no. Because some men are very sensitive, you know, and shy. And in such a case, therefore, it would be you know, perfectly acceptable and sensible and, you know, more often than not, necessary for the female to ask him out. That would be a very '90s, up-front thing for ladies to do. It would. Wa-a-a! Harold, don't beg. It shows, does it? Oh, yeah. [ keyboard clacking ] I know a lot of you teenagers are enjoying your dating years, going out with different boys and girls, depending on who you're in love with at that moment or who has a car or who has mcdonald's coupons. I know it's fun sowing your wild oats or wheat or bran or whatever your orientation is. But, you know, eventually, that fun's gonna have to come to an end. It will be time to get married...Or leave town. I suggest you get married, not that marriage is perfect. But at least it gives you one less to worry about as you lose your looks. So my point is that while you're dating, be really careful. 'cause nobody's gonna want to marry you if you're flat broke or in prison or if you have some kind of unidentified rash... Or if you're harold. Hey, glen, good news. I got some business for you. Oh. [ laughs ] I got some better news, red. I'm on vacation. Yep, I'm off to one of the biggest amusement parks in all of florida -- elmer's eel world. Yep, they got trained eels there, red. They got marvin the magnificent moray who can play the xylophone all by himself. [ laughs ] it's great. But, glen, it's high season. Oh, that's okay 'cause elmer's is never, ever busy. No, no, no. I mean it's high season here. What about your customers? Oh, well, uh, geez, I could take maybe eight of them. But no whiners, no smokers, and certainly nobody with a small bladder. No, no, no, glen. No, I mean, customers at your marina here. How are you gonna be able to sell boats if you're not even here? Well, I don't need to, red. I've already met my quota for the year. Oh, yeah? Who set your quota? I did. Are you telling me that you've already made enough money for the whole season? Well, no, not exactly, red. What I've done is I've made enough to borrow against next year's quota. It gives me a better tax situation. Well, I'm sorry, glen, but I have to buy a boat for our water park. Oh, that's a problem, red, see, because I've already done my books for the whole year. So if I make another sale, that throws off my balance sheet real bad. What I could do, though, is I could sell you a boat now, and you could take delivery next summer. Oh, no, no, no, that won't work. Maybe you could rent me a boat. Uh, I could do that, sure, except they're all broken. Well, you're gonna have to fix one of them, glen. Oh, I can't do that, red. No, no. What I could do is I could rent you a boat as is, and I could rent you some tools. And you could help yourself. You see, I'm gone today. Don't you get it? I'm gone. I'm going home. I'm gonna pick up my lovely wife, my seven beautiful daughters, and I'm gonna surprise them with a trip to elmer's eel world. ♪ eel world ♪ ♪ it's the real world ♪ ♪ it's the squealy really real world ♪ red, I'll see you in a couple weeks. Uh-huh. It could be a tad shorter than that, glen. Well, willy whale's water wonderland was a washout. Try to do something nice for people and all you get is complaints. I don't know, uncle red. I think those people on the waterslide were absolutely right. I don't see any fun myself being, you know, rolled around inside of a cement truck and then dumped out onto a concrete trough. And, of course, moose thompson's knee goes out, so that's the end of our wave machine. Then he tries to make do by duct-taping the barn door to the pile driver and thumping that into the water, which was a certain amount of overkill, not to mention what the barn door did to the lake. You should have smelled that! Wa-a-a! Whoo! [ laughs ] it was like an old horse on a humid day. Harold, I said, "not to mention." wa-a-a. Well, that was one great wave machine, I'll tell you that. That was a tidal-wave machine. What do you call a wave that size, harold? Tsunami. Gesundheit. Well, anyway, we've decided to take the problem of the personal-injury and property-damage lawsuits and turn them into the opportunity of closing the water theme park forever. Oh, yeah, okay, well, what about the fact that you've soaked the entire possum lake area? Well, that's good because it means the risk of forest fire is down to zero. So is the water level in possum lake. Good. We'll get the snowmobiles back. [ screeching ] oh, call of the meeting. I'm gonna go down. Yeah. All right, harold, you go ahead. I'll be right there. K.O. Well, that wasn't an unparalleled success, I guess, but all other things being considered, we did okay. And if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And my clothes are all soaked here, so I'm just gonna throw them in the dryer, and they could really use a quick tumble. Come to think of it, I'm soaking wet myself. And to the rest of you, on behalf of harold and myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching ] all rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. I'd like to kind of keep the meeting moving along tonight because I'm a little uncomfortable here. I got -- I got water in some very special places, and I'd like to get home and kind of reverse that whole process, so...